Alexander
2004
Director: Oliver Stone (Natural Born Killers, Platoon, JFK)
Starring: Colin Farrell, Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie, and Jared Leto.

This film received some very negative reviews from film critics in the U.S. But I don't blame them, Alexander is one of the most boring, inane, and painful films to watch. Boring because characters make speeches that go on forever, inane because many talented actors are completely wasted (Kilmer is dumbed down to a wife beating drunk), and painful because it could have been so much better. Fuck that, it should have been so much better. Oliver Stone has directed some magnificent films (JFK, Platoon) and some bad ones (Natural Born Killers) but this one has to be a new low for him. Oliver Stone wanted so much historical accuracy in this film I think he forgot about a great script. The film has ambition but no vision whatsoever.

It's pathetic to see Colin Farrell's Alexander reduced to a crybaby in some scenes. Some shots are totally ripped from the technically and emotionally superior Hero and many of the lines are reminiscent of much better films (Braveheart, Lord of the Rings).

To write how bad this film is, I have to write about the acting. Colin Farrell has been amazing in Phone Booth, Daredevil, and Minority Report but here he overacts so much you don't feel for him, you pity him. Academy Award winner Angelina Jolie is just reduced to a bitch role who sounds like one of Dracula's brides and the great Anthony Hopkins has been reduced to a role that sounds like he's just reading from cue cards. Jared Leto, who has been great in Requiem For a Dream and American Psycho is in the film speaking in a monotone voice caressing Alexander everytime he has a chance. Don't worry folks, I'm not done yet.

Stone's vision of the film is so ambitious that it tries to outdo other movies of the same caliber (Braveheart) but instead of surpassing them, it looks like it's a fucking parody. For example, Alexander gives a speech to his army but instead of giving a speech that his emotional and powerful, it sounds idiotic and cliched. Stone never shows the drive that Alexander had to make him Alexander the Great. It never showed the complexity of Alexander and his yearning to be the best. The film only shows bits and pieces, this and that, it feels like many important scenes were cut out of the movie, only leaving the worst behind. The film does imply the homosexual undertones of the times but the emotional and loving bond between Alexander and his lover Hephaistion (Jared Leto) is absolutely nil.

The final important aspect of the film that truly bothered me was the music. Scored by Vangelis (Chariots of Fire, Blade Runner), it sounds almost like his Blade Runner score but without the amazing bravado of it. Many of the battle scenes which require and pulse pounding score is only given a snippnet of the magnitude in which the score actually gives. The score not only make the battle scenes look boring but they feel flat as well.

I never thought I would see a film as bad as Alien vs. Predator this year. Alien vs. Predator, at least, never bored me with idiotic speeches of love and ambition. And this is the first time in my life I slept in the movie theatre. What a fucking waste of time this film is. As many critics have said, "This makes Troy look like a masterpiece." This statement is absolutely true and for Oliver Stone, you should be ashamed of yourself for directing this overblown piece of shit.

Absolutely the worst film of the year, BY FAR.

Grade: F