Maybe I'll never understand why my dad dislikes me so much. Today, before eating dinner, our dad sees 4 uneaten friend chicken wings and drumsticks. He suddenly explodes into a rage, "You guys have to learn how to eat leftovers! Your mama keeps on cooking for Daniel but he always eats out!"
Suddenly, what began as a lecture about eating leftovers turned into how Wency and I mooch off him left and right.
"When I was your age I was already supporting my mother! I was giving my entire paycheck to her! You guys, you don't even give me anything!" he tells us. I don't believe that for a second because Tita Perla told Wency and me that he'd only give a little of his paycheck to his mom.
"You guys don't do anything in this house! You guys contribute nothing!" What seemed to be a verbal lashing to both of us suddenly turned solo.
"Especially you, Daniel!" "What did you do for this house the past week?!" He asks me, almost to the point of screaming.
I literally can't think of anything. I actually don't do anything in the house. I did clean my room and my closet but again, he would always refer to it as "selfish". I could tell him that I placed the Christmas garland on the stairs but then again, he would say that it's not anything contributing to the house.
All of a sudden, he begins scream-talking to me about my health insurance and my car. "I pay for everything for you! Your gas? My money! Your car? My money! Your car repairs? My money!" I just wanted to say to him that I pay for the gas now despite how high it is. In my mind, I wondered that if he is complaining about paying for my car, why the hell does he pay for it?
He then told me something that really hurt me. "I spent a lot of money this year and it's because of you, Daniel." I don't know why but that really, really hurt me. Maybe he's blaming me for his financial problems. He then goes to say, "You should just move out of this house when you graduate so I'll just have one less mouth to feed!"
He then began screaming about how Wency and I don't care about my mother and him. "You guys don't care about us! You just play your toys, sleep, and eat!" The fact is this, I don't know about Wency but my father doesn't know how grateful I am towards him. I am so grateful that he puts a house over my head, gives me food to eat, and gives me a place to sleep. He doesn't know about how times I pray for him, that he doesn't get sick, or how he doesn't lose his job. It's just so sad that he sees Wency and I as burdens rather than two sons who are grateful for their parents love and sacrifice.
It was at this moment that I wondered if I killed myself, would my dad really miss me? Would he cry to himself at night blaming himself for my death?
But I won't kill myself because of one reason and that's my mom. I simply love her too much. Committing suicide would crush my mom but sometimes she doesn't know all the stress I go through with my dad. When my dad was scolding me today at dinner, my stress level was at an all-time high. I felt so depressed. I just wanted to go somewhere where he wouldn't find me.
Doesn't he understand what he's doing to my psychological state? Does he think his so called fucked up scream-lectures are doing good for me?
At that moment, I just wanted to ask my dad, "Why are you so angry?" I'll never understand why he has so much animosity towards me. Is it because I'm obese? Is it because I don't have a job? Is it because I'm going to the Philippines?
I'll never know.
There's less than 4 days before I leave for the Philippines and I can't fucking wait. I need to get away from him.
1 Comments:
I can sort of sympathize with you, to an extent.
Obviously, your dad is more outward with his rage, so theres a little difference.
At times, my dad would also say such things as, "I have taken care for you thru all these years, given you shelter, fed you, given you a car, etc. and what have you given back?!".
I would always think to myself, "Hey, you created me. If you didnt want to have taken care of me, then you should have not gotten my mom pregnant. Its your job as a parent to do have taken care of me."
The most important thing is that youve realized how you are being taken care of.
But as you stated, your dad doesnt know, and you have no way of telling him.
Ive recently wanted to tell my dad about how sorry I am for the way I behaved before.
I would drag my feet when he would tell me to clean the bathroom and throw out the trash.
I now clean the bathroom every week and throw the trash out everytime its full, which is almost everyday.
It pains me to know that the things I do now, even if it is out of necessity, would have made my dad happy.
Would I have a Hiro-like ability, I would go back and slap myself for being such a jerk.
I also want to thank him for preparing me if only a little bit.
Ive been paying my cars insurance for a while.
Just recently though, we bought homeowners insurance.
My father making me pay for little things here and there actually helped me.
Trust me, even a small gesture of say, going up to him and saying "hey, dad, I know its not much, but I would to help pay for the internet", would go a long way.
Its only fitting, seeing as how both of you guys use it quite a lot.
Once you pay for something, you would have a say in it.
Such as, getting cable instead of DSL.
I havent told my dad anything though. Its just kind of hard.
Its kind of like saying I love you to him.
I find it hard to say it, hell, I cant even remember the last time I did.
God only knows how you dad would react to even a simple gesture as offering to pay for something.
You and I might expect him to go on a rampage filled lecture about him paying for everything, but you never know.
And you never will if you dont try.
I say its at least worth a shot, seeing as how doing nothing is just further irritating your dad.
The fact that mentioned you leaving the house so soon, is kind of alarming to me.
I dont ever see him kicking you out of the house, especially with your mom in the picture, but it would be best to avoid brewing such sentiments in him.
Lessen his stress and you will lessen yours.
So as you go on your 1 month of paryting and stress relieving, remember about hindsight.
Mine reminds me of how nice I had it(for the time being) without realizing it.
Thats not to say life sucks now compared to before, because it has improved tenfold, but facts are facts.
Post a Comment
<< Home