Maybe I'll never understand why my dad dislikes me so much. Today, before eating dinner, our dad sees 4 uneaten friend chicken wings and drumsticks. He suddenly explodes into a rage, "You guys have to learn how to eat leftovers! Your mama keeps on cooking for Daniel but he always eats out!"
Suddenly, what began as a lecture about eating leftovers turned into how Wency and I mooch off him left and right.
"When I was your age I was already supporting my mother! I was giving my entire paycheck to her! You guys, you don't even give me anything!" he tells us. I don't believe that for a second because Tita Perla told Wency and me that he'd only give a little of his paycheck to his mom.
"You guys don't do anything in this house! You guys contribute nothing!" What seemed to be a verbal lashing to both of us suddenly turned solo.
"Especially you, Daniel!" "What did you do for this house the past week?!" He asks me, almost to the point of screaming.
I literally can't think of anything. I actually don't do anything in the house. I did clean my room and my closet but again, he would always refer to it as "selfish". I could tell him that I placed the Christmas garland on the stairs but then again, he would say that it's not anything contributing to the house.
All of a sudden, he begins scream-talking to me about my health insurance and my car. "I pay for everything for you! Your gas? My money! Your car? My money! Your car repairs? My money!" I just wanted to say to him that I pay for the gas now despite how high it is. In my mind, I wondered that if he is complaining about paying for my car, why the hell does he pay for it?
He then told me something that really hurt me. "I spent a lot of money this year and it's because of you, Daniel." I don't know why but that really, really hurt me. Maybe he's blaming me for his financial problems. He then goes to say, "You should just move out of this house when you graduate so I'll just have one less mouth to feed!"
He then began screaming about how Wency and I don't care about my mother and him. "You guys don't care about us! You just play your toys, sleep, and eat!" The fact is this, I don't know about Wency but my father doesn't know how grateful I am towards him. I am so grateful that he puts a house over my head, gives me food to eat, and gives me a place to sleep. He doesn't know about how times I pray for him, that he doesn't get sick, or how he doesn't lose his job. It's just so sad that he sees Wency and I as burdens rather than two sons who are grateful for their parents love and sacrifice.
It was at this moment that I wondered if I killed myself, would my dad really miss me? Would he cry to himself at night blaming himself for my death?
But I won't kill myself because of one reason and that's my mom. I simply love her too much. Committing suicide would crush my mom but sometimes she doesn't know all the stress I go through with my dad. When my dad was scolding me today at dinner, my stress level was at an all-time high. I felt so depressed. I just wanted to go somewhere where he wouldn't find me.
Doesn't he understand what he's doing to my psychological state? Does he think his so called fucked up scream-lectures are doing good for me?
At that moment, I just wanted to ask my dad, "Why are you so angry?" I'll never understand why he has so much animosity towards me. Is it because I'm obese? Is it because I don't have a job? Is it because I'm going to the Philippines?
I'll never know.
There's less than 4 days before I leave for the Philippines and I can't fucking wait. I need to get away from him.
