There No More Love Here.

I'm in Joliet right now on a break on a film shoot doing reshoots. Before I left the house this morning, my dad scolded me. And after the scolding, man, I felt so much like shit. I think my dad likes to make people feel guilty. He kept on asking me questions about the job I do on weekends.

"How much do they pay you?" I tell him, "It depends on the shoot. Between $35 to $60 per day." All of a sudden he explodes and tells me, "Shit, that's not even minimum wage!" Then he goes to ask me what I do on these film shoots and I tell him that I'm the boom guy. "That's it? That's why you went to college? To be a boom guy? You can't make money in that. I thought you were in sound?"

See, that's the fucking problem I hate about my dad. To him, sound is just post-production when it actually encompasses everything from boom to sound mixing to sound editing/mixing. I've learned to be the boom guy and how to edit/mix soundtracks.

He then tells me, "But boom guy? You went to college to boom? That's so easy!" I then tell him that booming is not as easy as it looks. He then replies, "No, it's easy, I know!" When he said that, I wanted to fucking punch him. I then tell him that booming is remembering the script, moving the mic in a way where it's out of the frame AND in silence. I wanna see him boom a 5-minute single take with 4 people in the shot with only one fucking boom mic. Let's see if he finds that easy.

He then tells me that they're not paying for my gas. I then tell him that the producers actually pay for it by calculating the number of miles I need to get to the shoot by the price of gas per gallon. He then tells me, "Are they paying for your tires?! Your engine?! You see, if that car dies, it's me who's paying for it!!!!" He then screams at me that they're paying me so little and I reply that it's only a student film and the budget is very small. I also tell him that a film shoot is not like a real job because there are many gaps in between takes. He then scolds me for not being at home and for not helping around the house. "You're not even doing anything in this house. All you do is go out. Sleep. Eat. Use my fucking internet and TV. You're not even doing the things I tell you to do like cutting the grass."

After hearing him say something about cutting the grass I wanted to take a fucking knife and stab him in a jugular with it. He's such a fucking hypocrite, he tells me to cut the grass when I have the fucking time and that week I had no fucking time. He then tells me that he's spending so much money on my brother, mom, and I. "I'm wasting my 401K on you guys and you don't care." Again, he makes me feel fucking guilty.

You see I'm grateful that my dad and mom pay the bills. The problem is that my dad doesn't appreciate anyone and on top of that he'll make you feel like shit. I think the only one he appreciates is Wency. He doesn't the appreciate the stuff I do for him. I think that's why I love my mom so much.

Fuck.

Get a fucking heart attack today.

Or tomorrow.

I hate you.

There's no more love here.

If you can't die, I hope God rips out your voice out.

Geez, I wish I won the lottery so I can fucking leave that house.

RANT. DAD. TYRANT. FUCK.

My mom told me that my dad is pissed at me because I didn't mow the lawn like he told me to. The thing is this is what he told me last week, "Daniel, when you have free time, can you mow the lawn?" I told him, "Sure." Here's how my last week went:

Monday: I had to start my paper and write out my plan for my group project.
Tuesday: It rained so I couldn't mow the lawn.
Wednesday: Had a group meeting in the afternoon so I couldn't mow the lawn.
Thursday: Had class so I couldn't mow the lawn.
Friday: Had SOME free time but had to memorize script for booming the next day.
Saturday: Continued booming on "Upper Deck."
Sunday: Boomed for "Upper Deck."
Today: Final day of shooting for "Upper Deck."

I already know what my Dad is going to say to me today. He's probably going to say one, some, or all of the following:
"If you want to live here, you have to pay!"
"You never do anything in this house for the family!"
"You sleep so late and wake up at 12!"
"You eat so much fast food and you gorge it down!" (this shit aint even related but he might say it)
"You can't even live by yourself!"
"You want to eat here? You have to pay!"
"You're always upstairs on your computer!"
"Oscar's kids, they don't even live with them anymore!"

Maybe he's gonna even say other shit to stress me out and make me feel like shit. Sometimes I think my dad likes it when he scolds people. I think that he loves the authority over a person. I noticed that whenever he's scolding me, I can't say anything. I don't talk back because I can't talk back. The last time I spoke back at him, he put me in a choke hold.

Sometimes I wish my dad had a stroke or heart attack because he really is a piece of shit. One time he called my mom, "a shit in the family," just because she forgot an important insurance document at work (that's only 2 minutes drive from the house).

So why am I writing this? It's because my scared, to be honest. My dad never appreciates OR trusts anyone in his family. That's why he's such a stupid ass fuck. I bet he loves his "favorite." Right, Wency? Wency is the type of person you would call a "homebody." He never goes out or talks to real people. He says he has his chat sessions with his "friends" on Thursdays. The only problem is that they're not his fucking "friends." They're only people he knew from online groups. They're not fucking friends until you fucking meet them face to fucking face. You see, I'm so pissed and scared of my Dad that I'm already ripping on my brother (who's alright, btw).

Well, back to my Dad. My Dad never even once told me that it's nice that I had a job on the side. He treated the side job I have now as a boom guy with such disdain. Even though I make a small amount of money, at least I'm outside having conversations with people! I don't wanna always stay at home (which is what my Dad wants everyone in his family to do). I wanna fucking go where I wanna go cuz fuck man, this is the 21st fucking century. And he thinks I don't pray because I have so much psoriasis on my legs. The main reason for my psoriasis? Duh, it's you, you fucking hateful piece of shit father.

So.
Bottom line.
Even though I'm scared.
And pissed at my Dad.
Even though I know what he's going say to me.
Fuck you, Papa.

While waiting for the director and producers to arrive here in Naperville on the "Upper Deck" shoot.

Songs of the day:

"Stay (Faraway, So Close!)" ~ Craig Armstrong cover with Bono

I think that the Craig Armstrong takes the great vocals of Bono from the U2 version and instead of pretentious Zooropa-type rock, adds a choir and a damn great orchestral accompaniment.

"Lived in Bars" ~ Cat Power

The first time I heard this song on YouTube, I had to have it. I've fallen in love with Chan Marshall's cigarette tainted vocals with a jazz-type band as background. Absolute bliss, this is.

"Breathe In, Breathe Out" ~ Mat Kearney

IMO, Kearney's best song was never originally on his debut album, "Nothing Left to Lose." A song about a relationship that keeps on breaking but ultimately stays together in the end.

Quarantine, a remake of the superb horror film [REC], sucked ass and balls when Wency and I watched it at Stratford Theater yesterday. How can you virtually do a shot by shot remake, remove all tension and pacing, while also totally ruining one of the greatest endings in horror film history?

Seek [REC], fuck Quarantine.

"I don't want my president having a Muslim name!" - my dad during the debates.

Sad :(

Blindness - It sucks. Waste of money. Sadly from City of God director Fernando Meirelles.

Eagle Eye - Turn your brain completely off and you'll have a good time.